Extreme Behaviors in School

 Im so sorry that this has become so hard. 😔 I’m a retired school counselor, and love a child who struggles with behavior in school. I have seen some chair flipping in my time. I have also been punched, kicked and bitten. The first thing I will say is that adults in schools should not be subjected to violence and injury. Neither should other kids. Disruption on that level not only disrupts the natural flow of learning, it actually traumatizes other children who no longer feel safe. It’s getting worse, and it’s not acceptable. I think the issue of increasing behavior problems from children with special learning needs has many factors. Here is what is in my brain.

1. The NC 13% cap creates funding issues for schools that affect the amount of staff they can hire. That 1:1 SPED teacher is very expensive. The district might not be able to afford it. There might not even money for appropriate sized small groups.

2. Teachers, staff, admin, and even some counselors don’t have adequate training in trauma informed response. Children can get triggered by things we might not even realize. Example: a child in my last school had very disruptive behavior in K. Seemed to come out of the blue. Nobody could figure out what to do, and the teacher was totally done with this kid. Eventually we learned that when the child was 3, a caregiver had yelled at him and slammed him into the wall, fracturing his skull. The K teacher tended to speak in a loud voice at times. That was what was setting him off. He was placed with soft-spoken teachers after that, and the behaviors disappeared. He’s an honor student in high school now. He was not a child with special learning needs, but many other children are.

3. The adults at school are not trained properly in how to deescalate extreme behavior, which often occurs when the child is in flight or fight mode. Child I Love (CIL) has extreme anxiety about certain academic tasks. IEP accommodation was written for the ability to go to a designated adult when she started to feel out of control. (Flight). Teacher decided that she should not be allowed to do that anymore, so one day he blocked the door. Flight turned into fight, and he got kicked. (She had appropriate consequences at home, including a written apology to the teacher). Which brings me to the next thing.

4. Some teachers, staff and admin believe that most extreme behaviors are deliberate, and therefore punish. That usually just causes an increase in the frequency of the behaviors because the underlying cause is not addressed.

5. Some admin do not really understand trauma informed response, so consequences are inconsistent or inappropriate. (Child kicks teacher. Child goes to the office, someone talks to them, and sends them back to class with chips). Again, underlying cause is not addressed, and teacher feels angry/demoralized.

6. Not enough time spent actually TEACHING kids how to appropriately respond to anger, sadness and frustration. See #1, and notice that your counselor has absolutely no time to do this.

7. Teachers do not have enough training in the specific cognition differences for a child with a special learning need. What does it mean to a child with poor processing speed when material is presented once, and then is used immediately in practice? Kid only absorbed half of the material Frustration can build, and suddenly we have an explosion that looks like it came out of nowhere. Because the kid is in the midst of a tantrum and their frontal cortex has actually shut down, they can’t respond to anyone’s repeated questions about what the problem is - they need about 20 minutes before their amygdala releases it’s stranglehold on their brain. Because their slow processing speed is a result of ADHD, by the time they calm down, they genuinely may not even remember what the problem was in the first place. Your EC team and your counselor probably can help with this. But they don’t always have enough time to do this. See #1 and #6.

7. And here’s the final thing. All of this takes TIME. Time that teachers do not have. Because there is so much pressure to produce academic results. Testing requirements make it difficult to put Maslow before Bloom. 

Now you will notice that I have not mentioned poor parenting. That’s because almost all of these behaviors are caused by trauma or disability. NOT by poor parenting. The parents might not respond to the problem appropriately, but that doesn’t mean schools shouldn’t. My experience is that most parents are doing the best they can. But they are also learning on the job, and they are worried about their kid, and they may feel guilty. And yes, I am fully aware that a) parents are often not willing to face, or even understand why their child is having problems. (One of my favorite saying here is “Denial is not a river in Egypt”), b) parents don’t understand that school should not be the only place that kids get support with behavior health - like ya probably need professional counseling outside of school, c). parents don’t always see school people as professionals, and are therefore unwilling to sign on to plans the school develops or the suggestions they make, and d) parents can just be disrespectful and mean. Particularly if the relationship with the school has become adversarial. There should be some sort of software feature that bounces back any email that is written after 8 pm.

PLEASE understand that I am not throwing this all back on teachers. They are only one part of a system to address behavior issues, which are increasing in this country. (And that is a whole different blog post) But segregation of children with behavior issues is what happened prior to 1975. It was cruel and ineffective.

The CIL finally has an IEP and excellent behavior support from EC. Behaviors have greatly decreased. Gen Ed teacher needs more understanding and training (ie: lower than typical developmental abilities regarding independence and responsibility may be the result of underdeveloped executive function. They are not a moral failing to be responded to with punitive measures) Since the emotional needs required to be successful in school are being met by at least some of the adults (safety, belonging, trust, encouragement and positive response for effort), behavior has improved, and learning is happening. She recognizes that and is feeling more confident. The positive cycle is repeated and amplified.

I really, really hope that a positive cycle can begin for the children that have behavior issues in your school. EVERYONE in your school community deserves that.  

Day 5 - The Smallest Things Can Make the Biggest Difference

I was too tired to post last night about my last day on Alexander Place. But that was good, because I had the chance to think about everything on the trip home.

I think the biggest lesson I learned this week is how far a little bit can go. When disaster wipes out some, or all of what you have, life comes down to food, appropriate clothing, and a warm place to sleep. For example, the man on Day 2 that had lost everything but what he could quickly throw into the car, donating the shoes because the one good pair he had were all he needed. A $7 big bag of apples can become six big trays of apple crisp. $30 of lettuce and spinach can become 12 trays of salad. That $37 can help feed a lot of people.

There are many, many of us in America who are not living in Western North Carolina or other areas that have recently, or are currently experiencing a natural disaster. Government is good for some things - getting the roads cleared and fixed, turning the power back on, getting clean water flowing, etc. But recovery really depends on friends, neighbors, and strangers chipping in as able. I’ve seen first hand how grassroots organization can get help to where it’s needed.

The biggest problem with grassroots help, however, is that when the “first flush” of help and aid is done, the need slips from our attention. Volunteers go home and donations stop. But the need hasn’t ended.

That’s where we are right now in WNC. Folks have gone home. Aid organizations are pulling out. Local people are now trying to simultaneously care for their own needs while helping others. There are lots of places there that have major destruction. In addition to Minneapolis and Swannanoa, I can think of Spruce Pine, Fairview, Burnsville, Barnardsville, Newland, Bat Cave, and Chimney Rock to name a few. The rural areas up around those towns are also damaged and sometimes still isolated. Repair and rebuilding has just started.

Some things will get easier over the coming weeks. When drinkable water returns to Buncombe County, more places dependent on that water will be able to open, and more people will be able to go back to work. There still will be people to feed, but it will be less. World Central Kitchen will begin to consolidate feeding locations around Thanksgiving. Distribution centers will start to consolidate also. As roads continue to open, it will be easier to get supplies and groceries. The next phase is going to focus on creating and repairing housing. Houses have been gutted, RVs have been moved onto lots and into yards; tiny houses are being built.

You can still help if you want to, and some ways do not involve spending money. Here’s a list ways to help that are specific to my two adopted places, Minnesota and Swannanoa. They are listed from most to least expensive.

1. Come out here. Helping at a feeding location or a distribution center is easy. Contractors and folks who can swing a hammer are going to be needed big time; well into the new year. You should arrange a trip through a contact and coordinate a place to stay. If you are feeling led to make a trip, it might take me a few days, but I can help put you in touch with people.

2. Gift Cards. This is really huge right now - people need gas and groceries in both locations. In Swannanoa the volunteers are using their own gas to get the food supplies to feed people. Many of them are relying on a tent to sleep in, Blunt Pretzels for all of their food, and friends/family for gas money. In Minneapolis much of the town works at factories over in Marion. It used to be 30 miles. Now it’s over 50. $20 and $25 denominations are great. Gas can be any major chain. Grocery stores in either location are Ingles, Food Lion, Lowe’s and WalMart. Swannanoa folks can also get to Aldi.

3. Cards and Postcards. There’s an awful lot of trauma. Just everywhere. Cards of encouragement can really be huge. If you have it, slip a $5 bill in. It will get to the right person. Doesn’t matter what the card looks like. It’s the note inside that counts. Can be as simple as “we are thinking about/praying for you here in <your town>. If you can get a few people in your neighborhood, church, hobby group, or work to sign it, even better.

4. Buy pretzels. They still need to pay the rent and keep the lights on at Blunt Pretzels! Minimum order is $20, shipped anywhere. https://bluntpretzels.com/collections

5. Spread the word, and keep sharing. All of my posts from this week are shareable. You can also post the link to those individual posts on Threads or Bluesky if you would like. (If you can’t figure out how to copy the link, let me know) On Fridays I will be sending a very short “news of the week” from my two adopted locations, with the single most immediate need. Those will be shareable as well. Let’s keep the story of WNC alive on social media.

So here are your contacts:

In Minneapolis:

Christie Hughes

c/o Minneapolis Global Methodist Church

2719 US 19E

Newland, NC

28657

I will get some specific names for cards and update this post.

Swannanoa (Blunt Pretzels)

Terilee Condron

Blunt Pretzels

120 Alexander Place

Swannanoa, NC.

28778

Cards can also be designated for Chris, Yves, or Sara. Terilee is the baker for Blunt Pretzels. She keeps the volunteers organized in the kitchen. Eddie Schoeffmann is the man who owns Blunt Pretzels, and has now closed it for 7 weeks to feed people.

If you want to send gift cards electronically to either location, email me for that contact info.

Thank y’all for reading this week and for your support and encouragement ! Writing has helped me process a lot of “stuff”. Let’s not forget these folks.

Please ❤️

Day 4 - What Are You Going to Do With All of Those Turnips?

Today started a bit late, even though I got up early. My Chevy Volt (at home in Cary) is what I call ADHD proof. It beeps when you leave your key in the car, when you leave the car on, and when you leave the lights on. It locks automatically, but only when you walk away with the keys. It has been awesome for me. Dave’s 2008 CR-V, on the other hand, expects the driver to be a neurotypical adult. So it did NOT beep at me when I left the lights on. Yes. Dead as a door nail this morning. Michael from AAA showed up unlocked the car (there’s a whole OTHER story about why the drivers door no longer opens, but that’s for another time. Apparently my husband has already told a few of you anyway). Michael was very nice and with a cig falling out of the side of his mouth and a big smile very kindly told me to be more mindful of the lights. So.

Volunteering where things move at a fast pace and almost everyone is a volunteer means being able to go with the flow, take initiative, and make mistakes. When I finally got to Swannanoa all of the lunch prep was pretty much done. I had a little bit of donation money left, so I asked if I could go get anything. Aprons was the answer. So a quest into Asheville yielded those and I headed back.

When I got back, all the stuff that had been used for lunch, and a few pots from the night before had been nicely stacked next to and on the sink. Guess what I was asked to do next? I had a little help at the beginning, and some on the backend, but it basically took 3 1/2 hours to wash everything. I like having hands in hot water, and the music was good, so I was surprised at how long it had taken when I was finally finished. Plus Yves, the head chef of the day, kept coming over asking in a beautiful French accent things like, “Have you eaten?” “Do you want coffee or tea?” And encouragement like, “The dishwasher is really the heart of the kitchen. We cannot work without clean utensils.” (I have a skeptical face right now)

Yves normally cooks at a very nice restaurant in Asheville. He’s been coming to Alexander Place regularly since the storm to help cook. That’s somewhat of a challenge, because he never knows what has appeared for him to cook, or the amount of the particular ingredient. Yesterday it was hamburger patties, a butt ton of carrots, onions, and stew beef. Also collards. Lots and lots of collards. And several cans of black eyes peas. So hamburgers, stew, collard greens and baked beans. Today we had pulled pork, pulled chicken, lots and lots of collards and black eyed peas, cooked carrots, raw shredded carrots, one tray of stir fried rice, and one tray of chocolate chip cookies.

Inside there are also three massive bags of turnips. I asked Yves tonight if he knew what they would do with them. (Shrug) “No idea”. But they will get used. Probably mashed would be my guess.

People coming through the line tonight did not care what was being served. They would happily consume mashed turnip. After dishes were done and I had the appropriate Yves sanctioned break, I went outside to help. There had been a line all day, but it really started to que up around 5. All sorts again. Guys in reflective gear who had been working on whatever. An impeccably dressed guy with a British accent and a cane. Couples old and young. Moms and Dads with kids. The kids were awesome. No faces, very little, “I don’t want that” Most remembered to say Thank You. Guy serving next to me kept telling them that the collards were frog leg stew. I saw some absolute looks of horror. “Don’t take him seriously. He’s just kidding.” (He grew up in Skaneateles, for my CNY peeps!)

Now a kid that hasn’t had a decent meal for awhile will take everything that’s offered, eat it in record time, and come back for seconds of whatever else there is. I used to see it in school. It happened wwaaaayyyy too often tonight. One little girl with long black hair and gorgeous brown eyes looked to be about seven. Had on a bright pink puffy coat. She came through the line once, took a big helping of everything. 15 minutes later, she threw the empty container away, came back through the line again. (Quietly) “Is it OK to get more?” I leaned forward a little bit and said, “Absolutely. And can I tell you something? I have a very beautiful Granddaughter who is just a little bit older than you. And you are just as beautiful as she is.” I would wash dishes all day long to see the look on that face again. Pretty sure she polished off that second container too.

We served a continuous line for about two hours. It was about 7:30 when Yves told me to go home. Done for the day.

Tomorrow I’m going to tell you about several ways to get involved with what is happening out here, even in very small ways.

Please feel free to share anything I have posted this week.

Nite nite!

Day 3 - Alexander Place

Today I switched gears a little bit. Instead of working in the warehouse one end of the street, I walked up to the other end, and got to organize the food stock at Blunt Pretzels. There is quite the operation going on here on Alexander Place. It’s up a small hill from the river, so it really didn’t get swamped. The free food/clothes/cleaning supplies/diapers/odds and ends is at one end in the beige corrugated/brick building in the pic below. A couple of the volunteers sleep on folding cots in there; the warehouse manager sleeps in his truck nearby.

Up at the other end of the street, there’s a hot food spot operating out of the Blunt Pretzels store. As the name suggests, they made big artisan pretzels out of the store until the storm. After the storm, the owner brought in shelves for stock, brought in food, and started feeding people. Some of what they cook is done outside, and all of it is served out there. World Central Kitchen provided an 8000 gallon water tank and plumbed it to the kitchen. WCK also supplies some of the food. The rest comes from donations. There aren’t any WCK folks working in the hot food operation. I think maybe two people are still being paid by Blunt Pretzels (?) but everyone else is a volunteer. It takes around 40 people each day to feed around 1500 people. Everyone is very focused on the task at hand, and takes this feeding business very seriously. Blunt Pretzels has just started to make some of their own product again, primarily for shipment. But the store has basically been closed for six weeks. When I asked someone today, they said the goal was to end serving free hot food there by Jan 1, but they would be there for the duration.

Folks volunteering on Alexander Place have come from all over the country. Some are living in tents. Some are finding other places to bunk. There are people from different parts of NC too, and folk right from Swannanoa who are looking to pitch in and keep busy helping their neighbors.

I had a chance to meet a lot of people from Swannanoa yesterday and today. Yesterday about 1/2 of the people who came to the warehouse were Hispanic. Some spoke English, others did not. I know enough Spanish to let people know I’m friendly, then Google translate goes into overtime mode. I can mangle the result in such a way to be understood, but also to elicit some giggles.

The other folks that came in yesterday are from all different stripes. Moms with a couple of littles in tow or with a baby. Maybe to get some food, diapers, baby food and a few items of clothing. A newlywed couple. Men getting food to bring home, or “diapers for my grandson”. Elderly and disabled people. The one common thread was that everything, or nearly everything was gone. Including the $750 in emergency funds.

When I got to the warehouse yesterday, Paul, the man who supervises there told me that a lot of people who came in would just want to talk and tell their story. The guy who came in for the diapers was a bit awkward and kept saying he had never been there before. He was friendly, and you just knew it was killing him to come and ask for help. He needed help finding the right size, and as we were sorting through the diaper packages, told me in a quieter voice that they had temporarily run out of money and diapers at the same time. Another guy came in, looked at me very seriously and told me he had developed an addiction. When I said, “That’s fine, how can I help?” He started laughing and asked me where he could find the cans of green beans. Then he proceeded to tell me how his Mama used to make them. He had been cooking them everyday since the power came back on. Comfort food. A fifth grade girl told me how happy she was when school opened because she could be with her friends and not think about “All this stuff.”

One man came in to drop off two bags of shoes. They were gently worn. It looked like he had suffered a stroke, and the shoes were on a cart. He was limping and could only use one arm. After some confusion and the miracle of Google translate I finally figured out that he was DONATING the shoes and not taking them home. Told me he didn’t need them, and wanted someone else to have them who didn’t have shoes. I asked him about his house. He made a swishing sound and flicked his hand up in the air. Gone. But they had been able to grab some stuff as the water came up, and that included those shoes.

Up the street I was able to talk to some folks who were getting hot food. Many were living in houses with marginal damage, but couldn’t cook there because of the contaminated water. They didn’t even trust it after it was boiled and didn’t even want to take showers in it because of all of the runoff that might have gone into the reservoir. I heard that same thing from a couple of people. Water filter systems in five gallon buckets are a real hot commodity at the warehouse.

When the storm came through, it took out not only the major aqueduct (I guess) from the reservoir into Buncombe County, it took out the water treatment plant as well. It took a couple of weeks to get the water flowing back into the greater Asheville area again, but there’s still no way to treat the water.

Most of the independent restaurants in downtown Asheville are closed. Another economic impact. I ate last night at Mellow Mushroom. No veggies. Can’t wash them. No plates. Can’t wash those either. The only beverages that are available in the entire county aside from coffee and beer need to come out of a can or a bottle. The guy at Dunkin Donuts told me this morning that they hope to have clean water by Christmas.

Meanwhile, on Alexander Place, the tanker truck came today with fresh water for Blunt Pretzels.

Thanks from out here, and y’all have a good night!

Day 2 - Swannanoa

All I can say to start is that I now have a major appreciation for the absolute mercilessness of flowing water.

I volunteered here in Swannanoa today, and I drove around after. There are photos below, but they only really show the TYPE of damage, not the SCOPE of it. Street after street. And six weeks out, there are many areas that have remained untouched. Building debris and garbage are everywhere. Some is up in trees where the water crested, including portions of trailers that were swept away. Wires are still down across roads. Parking lots are buckled with big chunks of asphalt on end. And like the rest of Buncombe County, there is no potable water.

The main highway through town runs right beside the Swannanoa river to its south. The older section of town is a couple of blocks away to the south of that. Everything that did not have a high foundation, like the biggest church in town got swamped. Buildings closest to the river were destroyed or entirely obliterated.

The north side of the river has many low lying areas. Those areas were filled with trailers and small wood houses. I said “were” because some of those areas are now empty. They were filled with trailers that were completely swept away. Some of the small houses remain. All were swamped and several are now falling in. This area saw loss of life when the water came up. The people who lived here struggle economically, and are largely Hispanic. A couple of streets farther north, the houses are older and a big bigger. They also got swamped. Most have already been gutted and the debris piled up along the street. They were clearing a pile in one yard today when I drove by.

The debris that’s being collected is currently being taken to a large lot on the edge of town and being dumped into one large pile. There’s a pic of the end of that pile in a pic below. It looks to me to be about 40’ high, and it’s a 1/4 mile long. According to the EPA, which is on scene, there’s quite a bit of toxic material in the pile. People told me today that it will be there for at least 4 months. Keep in mind that it’s only a fraction of what needs to be collected.

The EPA has also cautioned people to be careful of the mud and sediment deposited by the river. This is true all over the region. They are currently taking samples. The river brought a lot of toxic debris and chemicals downstream. People who have cleaned/gutted their homes were advised to wear full PPE. Dogs have gotten ill by rolling in the mud and licking it off.

So there’s a ton of work there to do. There is a lot of purposeful effort occurring all around town. But there’s more than they can do alone.

More about that tomorrow.

Day 1 - Mission Minneapolis

Minneapolis NC consists of a post office, two churches, and what looked like about 20 homes on the main drag through town. The main drag also runs along a large creek, which is why about 1/2 the homes are currently uninhabited. Several have been stripped out, and the debris piled by the side of the road. Until last Friday, there was only one route in and out of town. On Friday another road was opened. The nearest town is Newland which has one grocery store that was swamped. As of Friday it takes 45 minutes to get to the next nearest open grocery store instead of two hours it has taken since the first road was opened. A lot of stuff has been delivered to town to help out. But the food has either been canned or in a box for the last six weeks.

Through the generosity of several people, I was able to take our VERY full SUV up there and deliver eggs, butter, cheese, some milk, bread, baked goods and a few other things. Imagine not having those things to eat for six weeks!!

The ladies running the food hub looked very tired. One lady told me that they are still in a fog and some are having nightmares. A Mom in town was lost to a mudslide while her husband and children watched.

Even though I passed through areas that look like they haven’t been touched since the storm, I did see some signs of progress today:

- Lots and lots and lots of dump trucks hauling off debris

- A busy FEMA site one town over from Minneapolis

- Lots of road patches and rebuilt bridges all over the place. (Can we please have a hand for the NC DOT??) Some roads still have damage and gravel filled pot holes, but the roads I drove on today were clean.

- Linemen out working on the remaining wiring that needs to be repaired. (Another hand please!)

- Contractors repairing the Ingles grocery store near Minneapolis

- National Guard still having a strong presence around here. Got to talk to two of them this afternoon in Asheville

- And finally, trailer after trailer of Christmas trees headed out of the mountains to decorate folks’ homes!

Despite disaster and hardship, life is going on as well as it can up here!!!

🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄 🎄🎄🎄